Healing is not a straight line, and anyone who has ever been through heartbreak, trauma, loss, or self-reinvention knows this deeply. The quote, “I’m healing, not healed, so yes, I still spazz out when I feel played with” captures the raw, often uncomfortable truth of emotional recovery. It speaks to the friction between who someone is striving to become and who they still are right now—the imperfect, emotional, vulnerable self trying to find balance after pain.

For many, the expectation is simple: once you have “moved on,” you should be calm, rational, and composed. But mental health research and lived experience both make one thing clear: healing is not the same as being healed. It is a process of active transformation, one that challenges old wounds, triggers emotional responses, and tests patience. In this messy middle, setbacks are not failures—they are part of growth.

Understanding this distinction matters, because shame around emotional reactions can stall progress and deepen isolation. This post reflects on the differences between healing and healed, explores why emotional outbursts are natural, examines the stigma around vulnerability, and offers evidence-based strategies for coping during ongoing recovery.

The Difference Between Healing and Healed

Healing and being healed are not interchangeable terms, though they are often treated as such in casual conversation. Being healed implies an end point—a completed process where past wounds no longer carry weight. Healing, on the other hand, is fluid and evolving. It represents active engagement with one’s pain, identity, and coping mechanisms.

Trauma researchers like van der Kolk (2014) describe healing as less about “getting over” pain and more about “integrating” it. The nervous system, memory, and body all hold onto experiences in ways that cannot simply be erased. Healing involves learning new responses to old triggers, reframing narratives, and creating meaning from what was endured.

Studies on psychological resilience support this distinction. Bonanno (2004) found that adaptation after adversity often follows multiple paths. Some individuals recover quickly, others move through long cycles of emotional highs and lows, and some never reach a “fully healed” state but develop adaptive strategies for ongoing management. This suggests that healing is not an endpoint; it is a continuous relationship with self-awareness and emotional growth.

For someone in the middle of healing, strong reactions to feeling dismissed, manipulated, or misunderstood are not signs of failure—they are signs of being human. They indicate that the nervous system is still learning to trust safety again, even when it perceives threats where none exist.

Why Emotional Reactions Are Valid

When someone is healing, emotional “spazzing out,” as the quote phrases it, is not random—it is rooted in neurobiology. The amygdala, the brain’s alarm system, becomes more sensitive after trauma or prolonged stress (McEwen, 2007). In recovery, even subtle reminders of past harm can activate fight-or-flight responses, causing anger, panic, or withdrawal.

For example, if a person was once betrayed, situations where they feel manipulated—even unintentionally—can trigger disproportionate emotional responses. These moments are not evidence of weakness but of an adaptive system working to protect the individual from further harm.

Research on emotional regulation highlights how healing involves gradually retraining the brain’s stress response. Mindfulness practices, cognitive reframing, and somatic therapies have been shown to reduce   hyperactivation over time (Hölzel et al., 2011). However, until those tools become second nature, it is natural to “overreact” when feeling played with or disrespected.

Acknowledging these responses without judgment is critical. As Linehan (2015), the developer of dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), explains, validation of one’s emotional experience—by oneself and others—is the foundation for lasting change. Dismissing strong feelings as “overreacting” undermines healing, whereas honoring them creates space for growth.

The Stigma Around Emotional Expression

In many cultures, there is an unspoken expectation to “get over it” quickly, especially when recovering from trauma, heartbreak, or betrayal. Emotional restraint is celebrated as strength, while vulnerability is often mischaracterized as instability. This social stigma can make people feel pressured to suppress their feelings, leading to internal conflict.

The danger of this narrative is that it perpetuates shame. Brown (2012) argues that shame thrives in secrecy and silence, cutting individuals off from the connections needed for healing. When someone believes they “should” be healed already, they may hide their struggles, delay seeking help, or mask emotions behind a façade of composure.

The quote in the image pushes back against that stigma. By openly admitting, “I still spazz out when I feel played with,” it normalizes imperfection during recovery. It reclaims agency over emotional expression, saying, “My healing is mine to define.”

Mental health advocates emphasize the need to shift cultural narratives around vulnerability. Expressing pain, frustration, or anger does not mean someone is failing—it means they are actively engaging with their humanity. Recognizing this truth fosters empathy, reduces isolation, and encourages collective understanding of emotional well-being.

Strategies for Coping While Healing

While emotional outbursts are valid, there are practical, evidence-based tools that can support individuals in navigating heightened responses during healing. Integrating these strategies does not erase pain, but it can make moments of overwhelm less disruptive:

1. Grounding Techniques

Grounding exercises reconnect the mind to the present moment when the nervous system misfires. Deep breathing, sensory awareness, or describing one’s surroundings aloud can activate the parasympathetic nervous system, reducing anxiety and anger (Schauer & Elbert, 2010).

2. Cognitive Reframing

Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) techniques encourage reframing the story around perceived slights or betrayals. For example, instead of assuming someone is intentionally dismissive, it may help to explore alternative explanations for their actions (Beck, 2011).

3. Boundary Setting

Healing often involves learning to identify and assert boundaries. Saying “no,” limiting exposure to triggering people, and clarifying personal expectations are forms of self-protection that reduce the likelihood of emotional flare-ups.

4. Somatic Therapies

Because trauma is stored in the body, modalities like somatic experiencing and yoga-based therapy have been shown to improve regulation by calming overactive stress responses (van der Kolk, 2014). Physical awareness can reduce the disconnect between mind and body, creating a stronger sense of safety.

5. Support Systems

Community matters. Studies consistently find that social connection enhances resilience and recovery (Southwick et al., 2016). Trusted friends, therapists, support groups, and online communities can offer empathy without judgment, helping normalize emotional ups and downs.

These strategies are not about “fixing” someone but equipping them with tools to navigate emotional landscapes with more awareness and self-compassion.

The Importance of Self-Acceptance

Healing requires redefining success. Instead of striving for an imagined future where all wounds are gone, it involves learning to coexist with imperfections and emotions without shame. Self-compassion researcher Neff (2003) highlights how accepting one’s emotional reality fosters resilience and healthier coping.

Every time someone notices a trigger, pauses, and chooses a response—even if imperfect—that is progress. Celebrating small victories matters as much as aiming for larger transformations.

Being healing, not healed, means granting oneself permission to stumble. It means understanding that setbacks are not failures but reminders that growth is ongoing. Each emotional outburst, each moment of frustration, can become an opportunity to learn about unmet needs, unhealed wounds, and personal boundaries.

Wrapping It Up!

Healing is not linear, and it is not a destination. It is an unfolding process of rediscovery, integration, and adaptation. The quote, “I’m healing, not healed, so yes, I still spazz out when I feel played with” reminds readers that emotional reactions do not define failure—they signify that something still matters deeply.

For anyone navigating this messy middle, know that it is valid to still feel hurt, angry, or triggered. There is no timeline, no race, and no singular path toward emotional balance. Healing is yours to define.

If you are currently struggling, consider reaching out for support. Talk to someone you trust. Connect with mental health professionals. Engage with community resources. Healing does not happen in isolation—it is sustained through connection, compassion, and patience.

You are allowed to be a work in progress. You are allowed to feel. You are allowed to heal—at your own pace.

References

• Beck, J. S. (2011). Cognitive behavior therapy: Basics and beyond (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
  
• Bonanno, G. A. (2004). Loss, trauma, and human resilience. American Psychologist, 59(1), 20–28. https://doi.org/10.1037/0003-066X.59.1.20
  
• Brown, B. (2012). Daring greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead. Gotham Books.
  
• Hölzel, B. K., et al. (2011). Mindfulness practice leads to increases in regional brain gray matter density. Psychiatry Research: Neuroimaging, 191(1), 36–43. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.pscychresns.2010.08.006
  
• Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT skills training manual (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
  
• McEwen, B. S. (2007). Physiology and neurobiology of stress and adaptation. Physiological Reviews, 87(3), 873–904. https://doi.org/10.1152/physrev.00041.2006
  
• Neff, K. D. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85–101. https://doi.org/10.1080/15298860309032
  
• Schauer, M., & Elbert, T. (2010). Dissociation following traumatic stress. Zeitschrift für Psychologie, 218(2), 109–127. https://doi.org/10.1027/0044-3409/a000018
  
• Southwick, S. M., et al. (2016). Resilience definitions, theory, and challenges. European Journal of Psychotraumatology, 7(1), 29353. https://doi.org/10.3402/ejpt.v7.29353
  
• C. (2014). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. Viking.