Robert F. Kennedy Jr.—once known as a crusading environmental lawyer, now best known for yelling “Do your own research!” from the top of a hydroxychloroquine-powered soapbox—has taken his conspiracy tour to new heights (or depths, depending on your tolerance for pseudoscience). As Secretary of Health and Human Services under the second coming of Donald Trump’s presidency, RFK Jr. has decided that he, and not decades of peer-reviewed science, will finally discover “what causes autism.”

Spoiler alert: It’s not vaccines. And no, Bobby, it’s not the gluten either. You’re not in a 2007 mommy blog, sir.

Let’s be clear: the “vaccines cause autism” myth was born from the rotting loins of dishonesty—a 1998 paper by Dr. Andrew Wakefield that was so fraudulent, so embarrassingly unscientific, it was retracted faster than a Truth Social post claiming Trump invented oxygen. Wakefield lost his medical license. He’s now the Elvis Presley of antivaxers—washed up, occasionally spotted in Florida, and still insisting “it was all a setup.”

But RFK Jr. missed that memo, possibly because it wasn’t printed on hemp paper and blessed by a shaman. Instead, he continues to push the baseless theory that Big Pharma is conspiring to inject your child with autism—conveniently ignoring that his claims have about as much scientific validity as a 3 a.m. infomercial for crystal-infused keto coffee.

And now, this man is in charge of American health policy. God help us all.

Let’s recap some of the brilliant, top-tier, no-notes decisions made by Secretary Kennedy:

The “Natural Immunity Mondays” initiative: Encouraged people to “get infected naturally” instead of getting vaccinated, because “sunlight and surfboards are the real cure.” He promoted this from his paddleboard in Malibu while sipping bone broth from a mason jar. Defunded the CDC’s Division of Vaccine Safety, reallocating funds to a new office studying the impact of “mercury in retrograde” on childhood behavior. A confused astrologer was hired as a “consulting epidemiologist.” Suggested putting essential oils in the national water supply to boost immunity. When challenged, he cited “a blog from a mother of six and certified Reiki master” as evidence. Ordered HHS staff to attend a mandatory screening of “Vaxxed”, the infamous antivax documentary, followed by a group “detox” session led by Joe Rogan and a guy named “Chakra Mike” who sells herbal enemas out of a converted food truck. Signed an executive order banning aluminum deodorant, claiming it disrupts the “vaccine detox pathway.” The White House Press Secretary later clarified this pathway exists only in RFK Jr.’s hallucinations. Introduced “Freedom Shots”—a program offering unvaccinated citizens discounts on CBD smoothies and ivermectin subscriptions. It was wildly popular in Florida, where logic goes to die.

Look, RFK Jr. has many admirable traits—chief among them a last name famous enough to allow him to leapfrog entire fields of actual scientific training. He is the physical embodiment of the phrase “confidence without competence.” He makes bold claims, like:

“Vaccines cause autism!” “WiFi causes cancer!” “Anthony Fauci is orchestrating a global health tyranny!”

This man would look at a weather balloon and say, “That’s clearly a government plan to drop nanobots into our cereal.”

In the face of literally every respected health organization in the world saying “NO, vaccines do NOT cause autism,” RFK Jr. persists. Like a stubborn hemorrhoid on the body politic, he refuses to go away and insists he’s here to “heal the nation.”

What’s worse is that, under Trump 2.0, he now has a legitimate platform to amplify this nonsense. We’ve gone from “ignore him, he’s fringe” to “he just proposed replacing pediatricians with essential oil influencers.”

So what will RFK Jr. discover about autism?

Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Because autism is not a disease, it’s a neurodevelopmental variation. It doesn’t need to be cured. It needs to be understood, respected, and accommodated. What needs to be cured is our collective tolerance for celebrities with Google degrees and delusions of scientific grandeur.

Robert—may I call you Robert?—you want to help kids? Fund early childhood education. Increase autism supports. Mandate insurance coverage for therapy and services. Stop yelling at syringes like they’re the problem and not your own chronic case of Unfounded Certainty Syndrome.

At this point, RFK Jr. is less of a public servant and more of a cautionary tale wrapped in Whole Foods wrapping paper.

So here’s the real headline, folks:

“RFK Jr. Discovers Cause of Autism! It’s… His Own Ego.”

Stay tuned for next week’s episode: “RFK Jr. Declares Kale Can Cure COVID—Studies Conducted in a Group Chat.”

Because in America 2025, reality is optional and kale is king.

You’re welcome.