Snce the rise in popularity of 50 Shades of Gray, BDSM and kink have become significantly more visible in the mainstream. For kinksters, this has been a good thing and a bad thing. On the positive side of the series mainstream popularity was an influx of new, curious folks to places like the sex-positive center I used to help run.

The downside is that many of those people hadn’t had much exposure to what good BDSM can and should look like. Unfortunately, Christian Gray and Ana didn’t exactly model a healthy BDSM relationship and a lot of common misconceptions about kink were perpetuated. Let’s dive right in to exploring a few common misconceptions about kinky relationships.

BDSM relationships are unhealthy.

Let’s begin with this: any relationship can be unhealthy. It doesn’t take a red room or a dominating millionaire to make a bad relationship. There are certainly unhealthy BDSM relationships, but they don’t count for the majority of kinksters’ experiences. Especially within kink communities, abusers who have a pattern of unhealthy relationships are often not tolerated or called out on their behavior.

There’s nothing inherently unhealthy about kinky relationships. In the case of 50 Shades of Gray, there is a lack of a realistic or respectful Dominant/submissive relationship. Beyond that, there is a lack of a respectful relationship at all between the two main characters, inside the bedroom or out. If you removed the tiny amount of power exchange and impact play from the story, you’d be left with nothing more than a very, very controlling guy and a naive girl who doesn’t have the ovaries to stand up for herself.

Most of the BDSM relationships I’ve seen have actually leaned towards being more healthy than vanilla ones, if only because of the amount of attention paid to one’s partner. Having a good kinky relationships requires a lot of communication and negotiation about boundaries, needs, and desires.

People are kinky because they were abused.

People practice BDSM for a variety of reasons. In my case, sex and BDSM were major contributors to healing and creating a healthy sex and romantic life for myself. They offered me autonomy, control, and pleasure that I hadn’t experienced before, and helped me learn to use my voice.

A huge issue with the way 50 Shades portrayed BDSM is the idea that the only reason Christian is into BDSM is because he is “fifty shades of fucked up.” He dealt with neglect and abandonment as a small child and then was sexually abused as a teen. Submission that starts at age 15 isn’t sexual exploration, it’s abuse.

Of course there are people who are unhealthy and mentally ill who practice BDSM. That’s because there are people who are unhealthy and mentally ill in EVERY type of relationship. The idea that people only practice BDSM because there is something wrong with them is incorrect and reductionist, and relegates an entire group into being labeled as not normal.

I learned a lot during my time volunteering at and helping run a local dungeon, and one of the biggest things was that BDSM is for everyone. There is no such thing as a typical kinkster, and though many were more aware of their personal issues, they certainly didn’t have more personal issues than anybody else. They were just choosing to deal with them differently.

Dominants don’t have to respect or read their submissives.

Domination is not about disrespect. A good Dom is respectful of their sub’s feelings and thoughts. Negotiations happen beforehand, not during the playing or after the submissive has agreed to be submissive. Additionally, if someone is new to the world of BDSM, the Dom should be extra mindful of levels of play.

When I did the newbie/orientation night at the BSPC, I would tell people that going slow is great. People often want to do all the things right away, but you can always do more later, and use it as a chance to build anticipation. Whether or not outsiders perceive it, there is a subtle dance between D/s partners where they learn to read one another and play accordingly.

Consent and safety are huge in real-world BDSM communities, and things like doing impact play then leaving someone in tears without having negotiated for aftercare would be a huge faux pas. The Dominants I know see submission as a gift, and treat it accordingly.

BDSM is always about sex and having lots of it.

A lot of people think that BDSM is all about sex, but it’s actually not a lot of the time. Some people’s kinky relationships and BDSM play are focused on sex, but the types of relationships included under the BDSM umbrella are plentiful. For some, it’s a way to reach catharsis or a heightened state, and no sexual contact is involved. Some people practice kink with their romantic and sexual partners, and other people practice it with friends who they’re not attracted to

A preference for BDSM doesn’t make someone promiscuous, slutty, easy, or even mean that they have a high libido. There tends to be a lot of overlap between non-traditional communities like BDSM, polyamory, and swingers. A few kinksters I know are having a ton of sex all the time. Most of them are people with regular lives who have regular, boring things to do every day, and get to the good stuff when they can.

BDSM is the same for everyone.

There’s no one true way to do kink. There’s a saying in the world of BDSM that says your kink is not my kink, but your kink is okay. This can be boiled down to the ever-repeatable idea of not yucking other people’s yums. Not everyone who practices BDSM has a power exchange relationship. Not everyone enjoys name calling, being tied up, or using gags.

I have seen things in the dungeon that I would never, ever want to do. One of them involved needles and fingernails. There is nothing that would make me want to do that, but I couldn’t stop watching, because the people who were doing it were enjoying it immensely.

A lot of people think that their preferences are everyone’s preferences or see a certain type of BDSM play and think that it’s the normal representation of what kink looks like. They’re probably wrong. Not all relationships are the same, not all sex is the same. Not all kink is the same. If you try one thing and don’t like it, there are 10 more things waiting in the wings.

People who are into BDSM don’t have “normal” sex/relationships.

Firstly, who is to say what is “normal?” I know people who have been married, gotten divorced, then re-married. I know people who live with their exes in order to parent together, but are not romantically involved. My aunt married her high school sweetheart after decades of being out of touch and uninvolved. My kids bio-dad is a woman now who is engaged to another woman. And these are all just people that you might see on the street any day. So, what is normal, average, healthy?

Even if we define “normal” as “non-kinky,” this is still a misconception. Lots of people who practice BDSM and kink also like to have vanilla relationships. Having non-kinky sex can be plenty of fun on its own, and it fills a different need than having kinky sex does. Lots of people like it both ways, the same way that lots of people like both chocolate and vanilla ice cream.

BDSM requires a library of devices, tools, and toys.

One of the first times I met him, my first kinky playmate pulled out a plastic grocery sack from the dollar stores. Inside was a trouser hanger with metal clips, a small plastic cutting board with a handle, a spatula, and a few other random items. They proceeded to show me exactly how each of them could be used as a kinky device.

BDSM isn’t all about black leather masks, torture devices, and latex bodysuits. Sure, those things can be a fun part of kink for some people. But they aren’t necessary to start exploring or embrace your inner kinkster. BDSM can be as simple as a power exchange relationship where one person tells the other what to do.

Good BDSM comes from the mind. Behind the scenes of any interesting relationship or entertaining scene, there was planning and creativity. There is power in trying to keep your eyes closed (or open) when you’ve been challenged to. There is plenty of force in the palm of one’s hand for impact play. There are undoubtedly a couple dozen items around your house right now that could be re-purposed into kinky playthings. I was once brought to orgasm with a cluster of plastic grapes.

Relationships based in BDSM are dysfunctional.

Firstly, there is no such thing as a relationship that is 100% functional. Whether people are gay or straight, monogamous or not, vanilla or kinky, there is conflict within any meaningful relationship. Again, this is a place where we can say, well, of course there are dysfunctional relationships based in BDSM because there are dysfunctional relationships based in any relationship model.

In my experience, the extensive negotiations, communication, and exploration that comes with figuring out how a new partner meets your kinky needs and how you meet theirs benefit other aspects of the relationship as well. Relationships based in BDSM are just like relationships based in other shared interests.

People who practice BDSM don’t respect consent.

I blame porn for this one. I guess it’s not very popular to show people sitting around negotiating about rough sex, recent bodily injuries, restraints, or triggers, but in real life, that’s what happens. I have never been in a space that respected consent more than the dungeon.

Consent goes far beyond sex. At the sex-positive centers I’ve been to, it isn’t unusual for a friend who has known you for years to still ask if it’s okay before hugging you. I have never been in a space before where I felt such complete control and choice over when and how I was touched by other humans.

Even in the kinky realm of consensual-non-consent play, there are loads of negotiations that happen beforehand, and there’s almost always a safe word. Being kinky is a way to explore things that feel taboo or that give you a way to let go without actually being in danger.

BDSM is sexist and all about men getting off.

The first problem with this is that it assumes that women aren’t just as into getting off as men are. Sorry to pop that bubble, but women need the nookie too, and in the dungeon? They’re getting it!

In the media, BDSM relationships are most often portrayed as Dominant/submissive power exchange relationships where a man is the Dom and a woman is the sub. This leads to people mistaking those relationships for oppression or being all about the men. In reality, one core tenet of BDSM is a negotiation. Before the play even begins, the submissive has the chance to set boundaries. After, the Dom has the chance to respect them through play.

Even though the visibility of these gender roles in relationships is most prominent, I’ve seen just about every relationship configuration imaginable. One of the coolest things about kinky relationships is that when you’re already in a space where taboo is accepted, you start to realize that most labels are a construct and become open to things you didn’t think you were.

BDSM is spontaneous and usually occurs between strangers.

Countless erotic stories or XXX films show BDSM as an innocent young woman and a more mature, experienced man arriving at whatever kinky venue and being immediately immersed in a wild orgy of sex, bondage, and submission. They often react with surprise, shock, and/or reluctance, but soon everyone is just humping everyone else with gusto.

In real life, everything is negotiated first. In a good kink relationship, the parties go in knowing their limits (or with a plan for figuring them out), and trusting that those limits will be respected. Many kink venues have a house safeword, and you always know that if you call that word, the play will stop.

Even when people participate in pick-up play, engaging in kinky pastimes with folks they’ve just met, there is a conversation first, and often during, the play. We stick to what we talked about and know that there’s always room for more or to go further next time.

The only time BDSM is truly spontaneous is with kinksters in long-term relationships. Sometimes, these people have negotiated 24/7 rules and expectations, so there can be some spontaneity in their play. But even in those cases, at some point there was a discussion of how things would be.

The Dominant partner has all the power.

This is one of the biggest misunderstandings people have about kinky relationships. In reality, it’s the submissive who’s in charge. The Dom cannot dominate without the sub having agreed to submit. With a safe word in their pocket, the sub has the option to stop things at any moment, usually with just one syllable. The submissive party submits under their conditions.

Power exchange is fun, and it’s partly fun because 99% of the time it’s an illusion. Giving up your human autonomy is not fun for most people. Making a choice to hand over your autonomy for a time, knowing that you are completely safe and that you can get it back at any moment? Now that is fun.

Iremember being so nervous the first time I walked into a dungeon with my partner. I had only even realized places like that existed a couple of months earlier, and I was excited, but also nervous. I had no idea what to expect, but in some ways I’m glad, because I think I had less misconceptions about what would happen than a lot of people.

My hope is that by writing about it, I’ll pave the way for the misconceptions to become less and less common, so that more and more people can enjoy their wild side!